Risk Addiction

'Why are you here?'
A poster in the twelve step meeting reads
I am here to finesse my cunning and that is all,
"What if you fail?"
Then I will think, think and think;
That way I grow smarter.
Smarter than the rest and smarter than my trials.
Smarter than the ingrates who call all want denial.
I can live with myself.
I can live without an arsenal of stimulants and depressants.
That remind me that none of my dreams are vain.
And that I will rule the world if I study and maintain.
I know of insanity and want it pertains.
An emptiness that makes me want more.
"Why not accept life on life's terms?"
I said I want more and I won't slander this world.
That feeds me with euphoria and a productive rebellion.
And chains you with the very roses of illusion you offer me.
I know that I can't always win,
That is why I am always bent on winning.
Everything depends on us, not on this world.
Even wisdom.
I know that behind all that rationalism is hideous and lifeless fear.
That comes to life when we choose to be less.
Than the rest.
Than material things.
I have two thousand shillings in my pocket.
I need more drugs;
They are the only items in my life, material and spiritual, that will cater to appearances.
No one is like me and I can like no one.
If I complicated that, then I'd surely be nuts.
I need more drugs;
But cigarettes first.
A packet of Sportsman and a Bic lighter.
Just for appearances.
If I got addicted, then that would make my acting at the meeting sorry and lame.
And I can't stop lying.
If I was addicted,
I'd be just another washed-up sociopath.
Identity is everything.
Speaking of identity,
I identify with Diazepam today.
It's cold, transformative and generally makes everything and everyone better.
Not better than me, but better.
I take two local 5mg pills with the coffee.
My psychotherapist is sharing about love.
I have already overused her and she hasn't  a clue.
8 months now; I have a chip.
Clean and serene.
When do I break it to her?
Why should I?
I haven't learnt everything about manipulation.
I am close, however.
"Why lie?"
Why cry?
I do it because I like it.
And it keeps my problems to an edifying minimum.
Ergo, it is edifying.
If I can conquer drugs and people then I can surely conquer anything.
It's an odd recipe for life but I haven't seen better.
And I'm certain there hasn't been better.
If past civilisations had thought of better,
Then the Earth would already be subdued.
This is important.
The great ones speak of focus and passion without exception.
I wouldn't like to go astray,
Enslave myself for a pension.
If education is the key, my genius means I have a master key.
Solitude is power today.
Our 2013 of a lonely and demure insurrection.
I am alone in a city of 8 million,
That means I have a pretty good chance of being the greatest.
Not just by the virtue of the powers of my reasoning,
But by the virtue in this rare brand of banality.
"What if you fell in love?"
What if Christ fell in love?
I'd still change this world through that love.
I am in love with myself.
I haven't changed anything yet because I am still changing myself.
Not in accordance with any plan.
Hedonism is a good phase if I keep it as a phase.
Death will dull our vision and keep us from listening.
Keep us from thinking.
Death cannot be rethought.
That notwithstanding it can be fought.
Start with the symptoms, alleviate them.
Fear, greed and resignation.
In alphabetical order;
Fear first.
I replace it with a nostalgia for a defeat that never comes.
Greed next,
In reality, it is a longing to replace the spirit with more desire.
The spirit will sabotage this coup by any means neccesary.
Resignation.
God has liberated me and I will choose no other master.
In the most extreme sense of those words.
I will risk everything just to make sure it is true.
And if it is not, then I die rebelling;
Like a true prophet.
I believe in every one,
Like a true prophet.
I like to learn everything,
Like a true prophet.
Lying to my fellow man is not lying to God;
He is in no need of them or me.
I tend to need Him much more than the rest,
Like a true prophet.
To whom much is given, much is tested.
I've always known I can be anything.
So I chose drug addiction,
Just to see whether my greatness can come to nothing.
For if it can come to nothing,
It is nothing.
Now I am sure.
That is all I wanted.
A true sense of pride and independence.
The college degree and white collar job  will pale in comparison.
Now I am sure.
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